Imperfectly Yours Read online

  ​We walked out to a giant flat rock with our food and sat down.

  ​“This is so beautiful. Thank you for taking me up here,” Caroline said smiling at me.

  ​“Thank you for coming with me.”

  ​“So, why’d you tell me you needed a friend when you have Devin and that girl you took out?”

  ​“Devin is a brother from the military, but when it comes to friendship, we have nothing in common. The girl, that was his little sister, but she’s way too many pages from my chapter in life. She’s a completely different book actually.”

  ​“Why is that?”

  ​“She’s a virgin.”

  ​Caroline just about choked on her food.

  ​“I can’t believe you would hold that over the poor girl’s head!”

  ​“And a Jehovah’s Witness.”

  ​“Oh.”

  ​“Brought her bible the night I took her out, read me a verse.”

  ​“Does Devin know?”

  ​“I don’t know,” I said chuckling. “I just told him we had fun, which I sort of did.”

  ​Caroline looked at me, amused by my confessions.

  ​“I watched all my friends get picked off one by one by terrorists. They were like brothers to me and best friends, the best guys I have ever met. Huge hearts, would take their shirt off their back for a total stranger, even if it was their last one. Devin is the only one I came back with.”

  ​“Wow, I can’t even imagine. That’ll do something to you.”

  ​“Oh, I’m all sorts of messed up, I know that. I tried fitting in, going on Facebook, reading what those people post about how they just came from the nail salon and their nail already chipped or whatever bullshit they tell everybody about. It makes me angry inside. It makes me hate them.”

  ​“I’d unplug, Corey. Just delete your account.”

  ​“Already did.”

  ​“Just feel bad for those people. They are clueless about how precious their life is.”

  ​“I think everyone should go to war, even for just one day, to truly appreciate everything they have,” I said peeved.

  ​“You’re probably right, we all take a lot for granted.”

  ​“I just feel so much anger and guilt.”

  ​“Why the guilt?”

  ​“I can’t be over there like I should be. Why did I make it back home? These people had families back home, a wife and kids for Christ’s sake. Look at me, I came home to an empty house. I don’t even know where my sister lives, have never met her daughter. She’s got to be about three now. I’d know if my mother answered her goddamn phone. I had no welcome home committee. I never should have come home. If I had died, one of my brothers could have gotten off that plane and run into the arms of his wife and kids.”

  ​The pain inside ran so deep I wondered if it would ever go away.

  ​“I’m sorry to hear that because sitting here with you in the middle of a river eating this amazing food, well honestly, there is nowhere else I would rather be right now. Not Florida, not snorkeling in Aruba, no. Right here,” she said pointing at the rock, “with you,” she said pointing to me.

  ​“I think what you’re feeling is perfectly normal. Of course, you are going to feel guilty about all those men still over there and those who lost their lives there. Children who no longer have a father or wives with no husbands. They feel pride with their lost loved one, they gave their life for our country, they died a hero.

  ​He didn’t die from complications with diabetes or a heart attack from eating too many cheeseburgers and fries. He went out the way he wanted to, a hero. It’s who they were, it was their destiny. You have a different destiny. You gave four years of your life for this country, lost your leg for this country, fought for your family, for complete strangers and received a purple heart for your bravery. I’m sorry, but it wasn’t enough. You were obviously chosen to do more.”

  ​“I guess,” I said looking at her. “Fine speech, Caroline.”

  ​“I’m not done. You’re always going to have triggers, one obviously being Facebook. Leave those triggers and never return. They’re no good for the soul.”

  ​“I’m trying.”

  ​“It’s really a shame you’re not taking advantage of this, right here, right now, sitting here with anger and guilt when you could be enjoying that beautiful waterfall right over there or the crystal clear water running by you or the birds flying in the sky, the sun shining. ‘Tis a beautiful day to take advantage of,” she said devilishly.

  ​I leapt at Caroline, scooping her up into my arms and walking into the water. The rocks were slippery.

  ​“I was kidding, kidding. I know you are enjoying yourself.”

  ​“Not nearly as much as if I just dropped you right here, right now in this ice cold water.”

  ​“You wouldn’t.”

  ​“I would.”

  ​She grabbed at my neck and wrapped her legs around my waist.

  ​“I’m not letting go, you’re coming with me.”

  ​“Fine,” I said, jumping into the middle of the gorge in the rock. The water came up to my waist and Caroline pulled herself further up my body in an effort to keep from getting wet.

  ​I couldn’t help but laugh.

  ​“Try all you want not to get wet, but...”

  ​I fell backwards holding onto Caroline. The look on her face right before she hit the water was priceless. My butt hit the rock and as I tried to push us back up, Caroline sprung out of my hold. I bent over into a fit of laughter.

  ​“I cannot believe you just did that. Holy shit it is freezing! Why is it so cold? It’s summertime, this water should be like taking a bath.”

  ​She watched me continue on with my uncontrollable laughter.

  ​“Oh, you ass! I’ll get you back, you wait and see. You’re on my shit list until further notice!”

  ​I took Caroline’s hand and climbed up onto a dry rock, pulling her with me. “I’m freezing! I don’t think I’ve ever been so cold,” she said, jumping onto my back. I carried us back over to where we ate our lunch and put her down.

  ​“I hate being in wet clothes. It’s like one of my biggest pet peeves.”

  ​“Take ‘em off,” I said egging her on.

  ​She looked at me like I was a total lunatic.

  ​“You won’t, you chicken shit. There’s nobody around. What are you so afraid of?” I said knowing full well she never backed down from a challenge.

  ​She flung off her shirt and threw it at me, then took off her tank top. Oh my, did she grow up. It was like the story of the ugly duckling. Caroline no longer had a washboard for a chest, she had a perfect set of breasts popping out of her bright pink lace bra. Down came her denim shorts revealing a thong to match her bra. She was a mighty fine sight to see and got my blood pumping in all sorts of areas I hadn’t felt in quite some time.

  ​“Certainly not afraid of you,” she snapped. “Remember? I am untouchable.”

  ​“This again?”

  ​“It’s just cruel, the way Devin said it. Like I was too gross for you to touch.”

  ​“I’m looking at you right now, Caroline. Nothing gross about you at all.”

  ​She sat down on the rock, facing away from me and crossing her legs, my words obviously making her shy.

  ​“I know. I just hold too much of your past,” she said.

  ​I laid down and closed my eyes. The warmth from the sun beating down on the rock felt nice. Untouchable. That was a little harsh, especially for someone with a body that could be on the front cover of a magazine. I don’t know why I couldn’t touch Caroline. Maybe she would let me, but would I? Probably not. I wasn’t just a fool around kind of guy anyway. I was all in or nothing at all. Right now, all in just wasn’t on my agenda. It seems all too obvious to end up with Caroline. After all, it was our dream as kids. I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone I had known since diapers. Seems too boring. I already know everything about
her, nothing new to learn. I already met all her family; hardly any childhood memory I wasn’t a part of.

  ​“You have a really bad burn there, my friend,” I heard. I opened my eyes and saw Caroline standing above me, fully clothed now. The sun was starting to set.

  ​“Shit,” I mumbled sitting up. “How long was I out for?”

  ​“At least a couple hours. I took my time walking the river. It goes way down and around, past that corner. It’s beautiful down there.”

  ​“You want to get going?” I asked.

  ​“Yeah.”

  ​I packed up our stuff and we left. When we got back to the campground, we freshened up and left to check out the mini-golf course we had spotted on our way into town. Caroline was awful at mini-golf, but that was fine because I was just as bad.

  ​“I swear I used to rock this in high school,” she said, when she hit the ball so hard it went up over the barrier and into the water. She shrieked when she realized I had every intention of fishing her ball out so we could continue playing.

  ​“That water is probably disgusting, filled with germs,” she said.

  I ignored her and jumped over the river, walking down the man-made embankment to where her ball was being held up by a rock.

  ​“You’re going to get us kicked out of here.” Man, when did she become such a worry wart? If only she saw the water overseas. It makes this water look clean.

  ​“Here,” I said, throwing it to her and climbing back up to where she stood.

  ​“Thanks. I think I’ll just move onto the next hole.”

  ​“Now now, you get your butt back over there and hit that darn ball I just fished out for you.”

  ​“Can’t just have it my way, can I?”

  ​“Can’t ever just do what you are told, can you?”

  ​She marched back over to the entrance of the hole like a child whose lollipop just fell on the ground and placed the ball down, giving no special technique to hitting it. It bounced off the concrete barrier and fell into the hole. A hole in one.

  ​“See that, you give up too easily.”

  ​“Yay!” she squealed, running over to me and wrapping her arms around my neck, giving me a hug. “A hole in one. I still got it, baby.”

  ​“You’re on now,” I told her.

  ​“Let’s make a bet, a deal,” she said.

  ​“What did you have in mind?”

  ​“If I win this game, you tell me something you’ve never told a single soul.”

  ​“And if I win?”

  ​“Same. I’ll tell you something I’ve never told a single soul.”

  ​“You have yourself a deal.”

  ​Caroline had her game face on in a matter of seconds. I don’t think we even made eye contact the rest of the game. If there was one thing I knew about Caroline, she didn’t like to lose. She wasn’t a sore loser, but mostly because she never lost. She even used to win our arm wrestling matches when we were younger. I was always annoyed by how dainty she looked, but how strong she truly was. She had all the boys at school fooled too, arm wrestled them and won every time. Arm wrestling was the reason we made so many friends in elementary school, it’s all we would do during recess. Our classmates would crowd in around us. Caroline loved being in the spotlight.

  ​“I won, I won, I won,” she yelled, jumping up and down on the last hole. “A deal is a deal. Tell me something I don’t already know.”

  ​“Well I didn’t think I was going to lose so now I have to think of something. I’m not too mysterious.”

  ​“Oh yeah, you’re just so forthcoming with all types of information,” she said sarcastically.

  ​“Yeah right. What I told you today I’ve never told anybody.”

  ​“That’s because I am all you have.”

  ​“No. You are all I choose to have. There is a big difference.”

  ​We returned our clubs to the main hut and headed to get dinner. Our trip away was coming to an end. Tomorrow morning we would head back home. It was hard to even call it home, it didn’t feel like it. Maybe the more renovating I did on the woodshop, the more settled I would feel.

  ​We found a tiny hole in the wall restaurant that only served brick oven pizza. It was delicious.

  ​“You’re awfully quiet, Mr. Forthcoming.”

  ​I looked at her…her smile was contagious.

  ​“Meeting up with you again was worth coming back home for.”

  ​She just looked at me, her smile gone now.

  ​“What?” I asked worried.

  ​“That was really sweet,” she replied.

  ​“See, I can be nice.”

  ​“I didn’t say you couldn’t be nice. You usually are just, I don’t know, closed up. It’s like your mind is somewhere other than here all the time.”

  ​“Well, there’s my something I had to tell you that I’ve never told a single soul.”

  ​“I’ll take it. Thank you.”

  ​We drove back to the campground. The sunset cast magnificent shades of pink and orange peeking through the clouds. We took a walk around the outskirts of the grounds. It was rather large and looked completely maxed out from what I could see.

  ​“I love camping,” Caroline said.

  ​“It seems like that’s all your family did for vacations.”

  ​“Yeah, probably to save money, but honestly, we all loved it. I would take camping over being cooped up in a hotel any day.”

  ​“Me too.”

  ​We circled around and then walked back to our tent. Caroline went to brush her teeth and put her pajamas on. I stripped down to my boxers and laid down, finding it unusual that I enjoyed a strictly platonic relationship as much as I did with Caroline.

  ​“Hey,” Caroline said unzipping the tent and climbing in.

  ​“Hey.”

  ​“Want to smell my breath?”

  ​“Get out of here, go to sleep.” I heard her laugh, she was such a kid still. She laid down and rolled towards me.

  ​“Nice and minty fresh,” she said smiling. We just looked at each other, probably thinking the same thing. How odd it was we found ourselves here once again, having a sleepover like all those years ago.

  ​“Can I ask you a question?” she asked.

  ​“Anything.”

  ​“Do you ever wish we had stayed friends? You know, never had that falling out.”

  ​“No, never. After I started going to that new school, I realized I didn’t even know who I was outside of the realm of Caroline. Girls didn’t pester me about you, asking for every little detail of our friendship and if we had ever kissed or what base we made it to. It was nice.”

  ​“Ouch.”

  ​“I’m sorry it’s not the answer you wanted to hear, I’m just telling you the truth. I grew a lot that first year. It’s not like I didn’t think about you. I even went on your Facebook a few times, said you were in a relationship. You posted all these pictures of you with your friends. You were fine and I was okay too. Seemed like the more time I let pass, the harder it was to go back and just pop up out of the blue wanting to be friends again.”

  ​“It just didn’t have to be that way.”

  ​“I don’t have any regrets and I’m sorry if you do,” I whispered quietly.

  ​She rolled over and I lay there wondering if she was crying. I saw the shadow of her arm reach up and wipe her tears. I scooted closer to her.

  ​“Please, just let it go,” I said and kissed her on her head. I wrapped my arm around her waist like she had done the night before and she held onto my arm, crying even more. I was well aware of all the memories we lost out on, getting our licenses together, prom and senior year, but we couldn’t go back even if we wanted to. I know coming back into her life blew the dust off all those old emotions.

  ​I woke up to my phone vibrating in my pocket. It was my mother.

  ​“Mom.”

  ​“Oh, Corey, it’s so wonderful to hear your voice. Are you safe?”
r />   ​“Yeah. There’s not much going on at your house, just becoming one with the nature again. You live in the boondocks.”

  ​“It’s amazing, isn’t it? Not me, I’m on the coast of Monaco. You should see it here…”

  ​“Mom!”

  ​“Well, what darling?”

  ​“Where’s Liz? I’ve been calling you to try and get in touch with her. She’s not on Facebook. Her old friends know nothing.”

  ​“She’s in California. She married someone in the military, just like you. I think a marine though.”

  ​“That’s nice. What’s her number?”

  ​“I’ll text it to you.”

  ​“No. Give it to me now. It’s taken you two months to return my phone call and I don’t want to wait another two months for a text.”

  ​“Sorry, honey. I’m just having such a fantastic time. I can’t wait for you to meet George. He is quite the catch.”

  ​“That’s great, Mom. The number?”

  ​“Hold on a minute, let’s see here…” I thought she had hung up, but after a minute she read me my sister’s number.

  ​“Thank you.”

  ​“Sophia is almost four and the twins will be one next month.”

  ​“What?” I practically yelled. Caroline jumped and then sat up glaring at me.

  ​“You didn’t know? Yes, honey, your sister has three kids now.”

  ​“I would know if you got your head out of your ass and wrote to me. I gave you my address every single time. One letter in four years.”

  ​“Never good enough, just never good enough for you. I gave your sister your address. How many letters did she write you in four years? Your soul is so angry. I hope someday you can find peace with yourself.”

  ​I hung up in her face. What an infuriating woman, out of touch with reality. At least I had what I wanted; my sister’s number. She was more like a mother to me. We fought like cats and dogs growing up. She was four years older, but whenever I needed her for anything, she was always there. That’s a lot more than what I could say for my own mother.

  ​“What is it? Everything okay?” Caroline asked.

  ​“I got my sister’s number. I’ve been trying to reach her for so long.”